I am not a nurse

People tell me I look like one

Whatever that means

I hope it alludes to my

Caring, empathetic nature

My tolerance of others’

Less savoury habits

Being an all-round good egg

Always on time and

Well-equipped

With clean cuticles

Kind eyes

And a sympathetic ear

I have my doubts

Hospital corners and bedpans aside

I worry all you see

Is a short skirt

A clipboard

And a pair of sensible shoes

You have to fill in the blanks

Imagine the stockings

Far better to think on

Than the reality of my

Boring old socks…

While I am not one

To knock a good fetish

It is strange how

Blood pressure rises

When you see me

Snap on some marigolds

Ready to get down to business

Doing the washing up

Dressed in blue

Telling Times

Wedged into the sofa cushions

Gazing at other people’s parroted opinions

Wasting precious moments on Twitter

My daughter asleep in my lap

Waiting to hear more news

From the hospital

Wondering if grandma

Will need brain surgery

As her Googled symptoms suggest

The paramedics were not optimistic

Though they thought it was just

Concussion at the last visit

Repeating the same tests

Hoping for a better outcome

Can we allow ourselves to believe in miracles?

Or will she, like grandad

Go downhill quickly

Seduced to eternal sleep

By a mundane global nightmare

Transmitted in a hospital corridor

After a fall.

Strange these parallel lives

It is barely a week

Since the last funeral

And already I fear

There may soon be another.

Will my employer be willing

To suspend their disbelief

In the cruelty of the Fates

And lend grudging credence to the notion

One family could be the seat

Of such frequent misfortune?

I cannot say

Only Time will tell

And I continue to offend

That elderly gentleman

Numbing my senses

Scrolling past the paltry nonsense

That passes for news

A political procurer of

Public opinion is protected

By his powerful protégé

After a very public breach of policy

Big whoop. Conservative tastes

Do not lend themselves to

Common causes. He’ll not swing

Unless someone else has something

Sleazier than he can sell

To buy themselves his job

Dead men’s shoes, don’t you know?

The anxiety mounts with each beep of the phone.

We are all waiting

Sick of this virus

And the dread

And the endless grind

Working from home

Trying to focus on the Big Picture

Alongside the minutiae

While kids run amuck in the background

Leap-frogging over the broken and unwanted objects

We can’t yet take to the tip

For a decent recycling

Attempts to home-school abandoned

In the face of reality

They are creating new patterns

In the junkyard of our

Once orderly home

While the pile of dirty clothes

Mounts ever higher

Overspilling the laundry basket.

We have an excuse

We have forgotten whose turn it is

To do chores

All days blurring together

In this strange world of lock-down

At first we were industrious

To a fault

Clearing the decks of any

Half-assed DIY projects

Every evening and weekend

Buying improbable shades

Of garden paint online

Two months in

It’s a matter of sheer chance

If we remember when to put

The bin out.

The phone vibrates with news

And as the hopeful message

Trickles down the airwaves

Past the sleep deprivation

Bypassing nostalgia tinged with fear

To sink slow, clawing relief

Into my foggy brain

I am alerted to a new sensation

The damp embrace of a child

Whose nap time has now

Exceeded their bladder control.

At once I am reminded

It must be a Tuesday.

Bugger.

The bin will have to wait another week.

The Reckoning

In these fractions I seek solace
That infarction is no menace
To my own unknown condition
Though my colleague lies on trollies
As they fill her veins with serum
Hoping vasos are dilated
I’m surrounded by the vision
Such careers are overrated
In my secretary’s costume
I must take on further duties
Try to prop up one more rostrum
And ignore last rites for loot. He’s
Working from his home computer
While I ride the bus to nowhere
In the misty morning chatter
That’s conceived to make me go there
How much more am I allotted?
This existence, mere survival
Will I too go out, garotted
By a heart attack unrivalled?
As my logic fails, convince me;
I’ve decisions that are burning
Every inch would rather lynch me
Than continue painful earning.

Although I rarely explain my scribblings, as I prefer to let the reader interpret them at will, this poem, and the one that follows are written in response to a recent event. The woman with whom I share a desk at my day job suffered a heart attack this week. The events on that occasion and which have followed have caused me to question our place in the universe with perhaps more focused ferocity than usual.

Untitled

This is the place we come to die
We secretaries, in our rows
Two frozen stiffs, a living lie
Few care to note, and no one knows.

While patient, we sit out our time
In managing capricious men
Whose fruitless whims, though not malign
Wear lines on brows and fray each hem.

One more may chew on dust this hour
No more to block electric space
In diary; a heart lacks power
To beat a path through empty wastes.

We are not dumb, and yet, we wait
Preparing meeting rooms, hot drinks
Awaiting proof; appreciate
A mind, unheeded, soul that shrinks

And though the autopsy infers
What killed her was nobody’s fault
That one can prove, (except for hers)
With such a sedentary vault

Of memories of closet, desk,
A filing cabinet to store
The means of murder – this slow death
Made up of tedium and chore.

My Big Toe

Last time I stayed in hospital
I felt like such a fraud
It never would have happened
If I’d not been feeling bored

I took out my best needles
To try to string some beads
But dropped the thread under the bed
And crawling on my knees

Wasted almost half an hour
In a wholly futile search
To find the reel with only feel
Was never going to work

But giving up too hastily
In retrospect was worse
I shuffled back and heard a crack
Then hopped to muffled curse

For I’d stood upon the cushion
In which I kept my pins
The x-ray showed my poor big toe
Joint skewered, for my sins

They pulled it out with pliers
Having made my foot go numb
I hope that was the last time
I do something quite so dumb

A River View

Small consolation, this pitiful perch
Surrounded by steel and starch
As visiting faces stare out
Through grubby perspex
Wrinkling their noses at
That curious hospital smell
Their eye ever drawn toward
This floodlit cradle of democracy
Ignoring the quieter agonies
Of their own flesh and blood

Power Ballad

A while back, my other half was in the A and E. It was a really bad time for it – a Saturday night, late. There were a lot of emergencies and the aftermath of a botched drugs bust, i.e. police everywhere, people screaming, covered in blood, as well as the usual drunks, illness, domestic violence, suicides and accidents. I managed to get him seen to straight away as he was a genuine emergency, but due to the chaos we got separated. My mind wouldn’t stop buzzing, shut in the lousy atmosphere of the relatives room, surrounded by other people praying or cleaning up after their battered kids and preparing to give up. I couldn’t settle, sat there in my pyjamas, sweatshirt and trainers, listening to the terrified screams of someone in withdrawal on the other side of the wall, so I tried to put some of the turmoil down on paper to get it out without adding to the noise myself. What follows are the variable results:

Sometimes it’s the silence
That causes us to weep.
Life in all its violence
Maybe just lack of sleep?
But somewhere in the darkness
That clings about us all
The light of something glitters
And you catch me as I fall

To my knees, in silence
You don’t fear the violence
You bring peace
And lay me down at last
Until the night has passed.

Alone amidst the madness
I feel the others crash.
Their tears break hearts, bring sadness,
As mental Titans clash.
I’m standing there, an island
Surrounded by the gloom
And you light up my world
As I see you ‘cross the room.

You are there, I need you
Please beware, I need you.
Don’t let go!
I’m shaking from the blast
The dawn will come at last.

And when I feel your heartbeat
That thrums about my ears,
The strong arms that enfold me,
The love to dry my tears,
You keep me safe in chaos
I feel you, strong and true.
I love you, please believe me –
It all comes down to you.

You are there, when I need you
And you care. How I need you!
I don’t know where I was long ago
Before I knew you…

You are strong, I know it!
Feel you there, you show how
Much you care
That I get through all right
You give me strength to fight.