A reckless promise made To someone I barely knew An obvious mistake the second they Decided it was time to make good On something said in jest
The time a good friend Sat me down to make me learn A life lesson I would have walked Naked through the desert To avoid ever knowing
The time I decided it was my duty To leave things in a better condition By attempting to explain a toxic Workplace dynamic To the deliberately deaf
The times I took jobs I knew would be awful Because I couldn't let myself believe There would be anything better around the corner The times I stayed in them The times I turned the other cheek
The one time I was naïve enough To stand up for myself Only to be shot down In a vicious character assassination By someone I trusted not to abuse their position of power
The time I was attacked in the street For being in the wrong place at the wrong time And observing some nefarious activity In which I had less than zero interest Following a truly lousy evening
The times I was groped on the bus And couldn't bring myself To make a loud scene Cursing myself for cowardice As much as the perpetrator
The times I listened to my detractors More than my supporters (always, sorry). Most of them live in my head It gets hard to avoid their commentary While dehydrated
The time I tried to explain my surprise At the coloured anatomy of cats Over board games, while tipsy Offending my best friend's husband So badly he refused to visit for seven months
The time I let my conscience overrule social norms The time I spoke the unfiltered truth Without thinking, sleep deprived Beyond the wit of my audience And suffered for it
The time I dropped my phone in the street And swore But failed to hang up on the grandmother Who never forgave me A single lapse in a public setting
The time I couldn’t help my father, dying of a heart attack Because I was half-way to a funeral for another relative At the other end of the country He still whispers to me of his disappointment Late at night when I can't sleep.
I am sorry, dad. I tried. Nothing I did or did not do Would ever have been good enough In that moment Made for regret
The time I believed a loved one’s lies More fool me Twice, three times, staying Until I told myself it was the right moment To walk away
The time I couldn’t believe Someone's personal truth Despite understanding all the small ways In which we are blinkered By our own experiences
For once I found it hard to see Through someone else's eyes And tried to fill in the blanks Meaning two plus two Made minus five
The time I blurted out a correction And ruined a first impression In front of strangers Because my inner perfectionist Refused to suffer a lie
The million times I could not bring myself to say no For fear of hurting the feelings Of someone who lacked the same consideration For my own Assuming they were my equal
The time I called the police because my neighbour Was being beaten by her partner The time the despatcher didn't care And I did not challenge their callous response Because I was too concerned that help arrive quickly
The times I have swallowed my pride, my words, Bottled up my feelings, ignoring the knots In my gut at the wrongness of what I knew I was about to sacrifice - my dignity My sense of self
All these times call to me on repeat Those grey days when I am feeling 'Lower than a snake's ass' As my other grandma used to say Rudderless, unworthy of love
And now, at almost forty What is all this worth, this much regret? We live and learn Perhaps the real problem is I do not know the answer yet.
Katherine Shirley 