Leadership Training

Welcome dear, to the asylum
Where the grown-ups are not in control
Mummy’s out chasing a rainbow
Daddy is home but not whole

So what do we do with our brother
Who needs to be petted and fed?
Just sisters supporting each other
When parents don’t get out of bed

If you grab a hold by one ankle
Then I’ll take the other and try
To tease out the worst of the tangle
Then soap, rinse and powder him dry

I’m sorry your tummy is grumbly
There isn’t the money for S’mores
I’ll find what I can if you’re hungry
And we’ll have a picnic indoors

I guess we’re not going out playing
While youngest’s a hole in her shoe
I’ve mended the bits that were fraying
But darning the rubber won’t do

Besides which it’s no longer summer
And coats are too short in the sleeve
So even the common’s a bummer
With chilblains it’s better to leave

The exercise video’s starting
We’ll all sit together to stretch
Now reach for your toes if you’re hurting
And think of the rich and the wretch

If we can just keep it together
As family’s good for the soul
There’s almost no storm we can’t weather
To pursue an impossible goal

So try not to pick up your plimsolls
Don’t want anybody to know
If they catch a glimpse of the cardboard
When walking along in the snow

Then mummy and daddy are over
They’d ship us all out to a home
And though there’d be food there forever
We’re better off here on our own

The January Blues

I am finding my diet depressing
(A first world complaint, you’ll agree)
For in spite of the shakes, and the carbs, and the breaks
I am moody, sore, tired and hungry

Yet they tell me it’s worth it to diet
It shows character, willpower, poise
And with less spent on meat, you invest what you’d eat
In a dress to attract all the boys

So I guess I should stick with the program
For another few days at the least
If I make it that far, on an energy bar
You could use to scrub pots of their grease

I’m not sure I buy in to the concept
That the thin are more healthy and glam
And a girl in her prime must waste quite so much time
On starvation to bag her a man

No, I’m doing this thing to feel healthy
So the stairs are not quite such a chore
If eschewing all cheese, last year’s jeans pass my knees
It’s a bonus worth nothing at all

Wardrobe Malfunction

The wire curls and coils its way
Around the gentle swell
While modest lace coverings creak,
Groaning before the channel bursts

Yawning wide, she opens herself
To release chaotic forces;
Relinquishes control over
Her quivering passenger

Goosebumps mar the skins surface
When warm flesh meets cold steel
Cheeks redden in embarrassment
A blush that casts a glow

So eyes suppress their twinkle
To allow commerce of other kinds
The cashier looks down then up
Surprised to find the curve outlined

And unperturbed, I fish in cleavage
Poking back to dormancy
The frisky underpinnings of
Our civilised society

Mercury Falling

80% of me
Won’t pray for snow
But traitorous 20 cries
‘Bring it! Let’s go!’

Legs in blue lycra
Are goosebumped in fear
Reports boasting figures:
30 year nadir

I can’t stomach weather
That threatens my nose
Through four socks and leather
I can’t feel my toes

My wardrobe unravels
In layers of scarves
And yet on my travels:
Girls sporting bare calves?

‘Tis too much to ask
In these perilous times
For our corporate taskforce
To dress for these climes

If sensitive skin
Must be tortured anew
Then I’ll work from my duvet –
The least they can do!

Love in a cold climate

Frostbite in the morning, wake with icicles on nose
I see breath in the bedroom as I fumble for my clothes.
Some people might view our affair as no more than a fling
But when the boiler’s broke in winter and you’re suffering
A portable hot-water-bottle, when all’s done and said
Is hardly to be sniffed at – so we ended up in bed.
Perhaps when sultry summer comes we’ll share this spot no more
As love born of necessity will melt away, mid-thaw.
But until nights grow warm enough to sleep apart, my love
I pray our hearts and minds in constancy stay hand in glove.